Thong of Doom

Yesterday I went to a bridal shower pool party and had to leave my Tata Top at home to be respectful of grandparents, buuuut it left me without a swimsuit. Thankfully my girlfriend had an extra one piece which was NOT made for someone 34 weeks pregnant. I’m 99% sure this was more inappropriate. It turned her gorgeous suit into a wrestling thong slinglet on my preggo bod so I waddled around like this instead. Own it amiright. To top it off there was also a catered Chipotle buffet…. I literally ate 12 tacos minimum. No bullshit. I went back for 4ths. I also made myself a to go container that I snuck out when I left and ate in my car. I had contractions kicking up all day while in my thongkini and they got closer together by the time I made it home and I wound up in labor and delivery. All I could think about was: is this seriously the last bump pic I’ll have and holy fuck I am going to poo ALL OVER this hospital if I go into labor because I just ate 9 lbs of Mexican food. The nurses asked if I did anything out of the usual during the day and I kept answering no followed up with my husband whispering “chipotle” every time… And I really didn’t want them to diagnose me with chipotle intoxication so I silenced him. Now I’m back home on bedrest dreaming of burritos and thankful this taco is still cooking. Maybe it was from the enormous pressure the slinglet put on my vag.. maybe it was tacos.. the world will never know. Who wore it better? #mooseknuckle

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